The Goldilocks Guide to Planting

Not Too High, Not Too Low, But Just Right

Ah, planting. A relaxing activity where you dig a hole, pop in a plant, and pat yourself on the back like a green-thumbed hero. But wait—what’s this? Your plant is looking… weird. Did you plant it too high? Too low? Welcome to Gardening Gone Wrong, a slapstick comedy starring you and your overly enthusiastic shovel.

Planting Too High: The Hovercraft Garden

Planting too high might sound fancy—like giving your plant a penthouse suite. “Let’s elevate this guy so he can breathe better!” you think. But alas, what you’ve really done is create the floral equivalent of a precariously balanced Jenga tower.

Here’s what happens:

• Day 1: Your plant looks majestic, like Simba on Pride Rock.
• Day 10: Wind happens. Rain happens. Gravity happens. Your plant’s roots, now as exposed as a toddler at bath time, ard crying for help.
• Day 20: The plant has accepted its fate as mulch.

To put it simply, planting too high is like wearing socks without shoes in a puddle. It’s unnecessary and always ends in regret.

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Planting Too Low: The Shovel Mafia

On the flip side, there’s planting too low—when your plant looks like it’s auditioning for a mob movie, buried just a little too deeply.

The signs are immediate:

• Day 1: The plant seems fine, like a naïve henchman.
• Day 5: It starts to drown. Water pools around it like a crime scene. Root rot arrives on the scene, wearing sunglasses and a trench coat.
• Day 15: Your plant is now in witness protection (read: the compost pile).

Planting too low suffocates your plant faster than wrapping it in bubble wrap. You meant well, but you’ve effectively turned it into an underground prisoner.

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The Sweet Spot: Planting Goldilocks Style

So, how do you avoid these tragic gardening sitcoms? Channel your inner Goldilocks. The just right rule means planting so that the crown of the plant (the part where the roots meet the stem) is level with the soil. It’s not too high, not too low, but just right.

Pro Tips to Nail It Every Time:

1. Measure Twice, Dig Once: Your plant isn’t a vampire—it doesn’t need to be staked.
2. Backfill Like a Pro: Use the same soil you dug up. This isn’t the time to show off with random miracle mixes.
3. Pat, Don’t Slam: Gently press the soil around your plant like you’re tucking it in for a nap. No need for a dirt pillow.

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Final Thoughts

Gardening is a lot like life: you mess up, laugh at yourself, and try again. So, if you’ve ever planted something that looked like a bonsai or buried a hydrangea six feet under, take comfort. The gardening world is full of hilarious missteps, and your plants probably forgive you.

Now go forth and dig responsibly. Just remember, you’re not planting a tree-house or a treasure chest. You’re planting a future success story—or, at worst, a funny one.