The Garden Hose Is Not Your Friend

There are certain things a person ought to learn before reaching adulthood.

You ought to know how to change a tire, how to cook at least one meal that does not involve a drive-through window, and how to nod politely when somebody starts telling you a long story about a cousin you have never met.

You should also know better than to trust a garden hose.

A garden hose may look harmless lying there beside the house. It is green. It is quiet. It has no visible teeth.

But the moment you turn on the water and attempt to carry it across the yard, it becomes a fifty-foot-long argument with plumbing.

This is especially true in June, when the Georgia sun begins treating your yard like it has something personal against it.

The hydrangeas start drooping. The containers dry out before lunch. Newly planted shrubs begin looking at you like they have recently reviewed your qualifications and would like to speak with management.

So you go outside to water.

That is when the trouble begins.

A Garden Hose Has Its Own Plans

My original plan was simple.

I was going to water a few shrubs, check the containers, and return inside before the coffee got cold.

This was not an unreasonable plan.

The hose had a different plan.

It followed me peacefully for the first twenty feet. Then it wrapped itself around the leg of a patio chair. I tugged gently, because I try to behave like a civilized person before breakfast.

Nothing happened.

I tugged harder.

Still nothing.

Finally, I gave it the sort of pull usually reserved for starting a lawn mower that has already made it clear it would prefer to remain retired.

The hose came loose all at once, knocked over a flowerpot, slapped me across the ankle, and sent the spray nozzle rolling through the mulch.

There are moments in life when a man realizes he is not in charge of much.

Standing in the yard with wet shoes while a hose attacks a lawn chair is one of those moments.

The Hydrangeas Are Not Helping

Hydrangeas are beautiful plants, but they are not emotionally stable.

On a hot afternoon, a hydrangea can wilt so dramatically that you would think it had spent the day walking through the desert carrying luggage.

The first time you see it, you panic.

You grab the hose. You run across the yard. You water the shrub thoroughly. You stand there wondering whether you should call somebody with a degree in horticulture.

Then the sun goes down, the temperature drops, and the hydrangea perks back up like nothing happened.

It was not dying.

It was expressing an opinion about the weather.

The best approach is to check the soil before launching a rescue mission. Push your finger a couple of inches into the soil near the root ball. If the soil is dry, water deeply. If it still feels moist, step away from the hose and give the plant a little time.

This is good advice for hydrangeas and, in certain circumstances, relatives.

Water the Roots, Not the Neighborhood

There is a right way to water shrubs.

A quick sprinkle across the top of the soil may make a gardener feel productive, but it does not always do much for the plant. Shrubs benefit from a slower, deeper soaking that reaches the roots.

Shallow watering encourages shallow roots. Deeper watering helps roots grow downward, where the soil stays moist longer during hot weather.

Watering early in the morning is usually best. It gives the plant time to absorb moisture before the hottest part of the day, and you are less likely to lose water to evaporation.

Aim the water toward the base of the plant.

The leaves may look thirsty, but the roots are the part handling the paperwork.

Spraying the leaves from a distance is not the same as watering the plant. It is more like throwing a glass of sweet tea at somebody and claiming you provided refreshments.

A Brief Word About Mulch

Mulch is one of the best things you can add around shrubs during the summer.

A layer about two to three inches deep helps the soil hold moisture, keeps weeds down, and makes the garden look like you had a plan all along.

But do not pile mulch against the trunk or stems of the plant.

Some people build mulch volcanoes around trees and shrubs. These formations can be spotted from a moving vehicle and appear to have been designed by someone preparing the shrub for a long winter in Alaska.

Leave a little breathing room around the plant.

Mulch is helpful.

A burial mound is not.

The Mistake You Only Make Once or Twice

Every gardener has looked directly at the end of a spray nozzle while squeezing the handle to see whether it is clogged.

This is not a sign of poor intelligence.

It is simply one of those brief moments when optimism outruns experience.

The nozzle appears to be broken. You hold it closer. You squeeze the handle.

Suddenly, the nozzle works better than it has ever worked in its life.

The water hits you directly in the face.

Your glasses become useless. Your shirt is soaked. The coffee cup you set on the porch has somehow collected mulch.

And the hose is lying in the grass like it had nothing to do with it.

The correct way to test a spray nozzle is to point it at the ground first.

I realize this advice arrives late for some of us.

Tool of the Month

A Hose Timer: Because Memory Is Not Always Available

One of the most useful summer garden tools is a hose timer.

It attaches to the outdoor faucet and shuts off the water automatically after a set amount of time. This is especially handy when using a soaker hose or drip line around shrubs and flower beds.

Without a timer, it is easy to turn on the faucet, walk inside for a minute, answer the phone, make a sandwich, and remember the water several hours later when the backyard has developed a small but promising wetlands habitat.

A watering wand is also useful for containers and individual shrubs. It helps direct water toward the soil without bending over repeatedly or scattering mulch across the yard.

From the Garden Complaint Department

Complaint:
“I purchased a fifty-foot hose. Why does it stop moving after twenty feet?”

Official response:
The hose is fifty feet long under laboratory conditions. In the average backyard, it loses approximately thirty feet after becoming emotionally attached to a patio chair, a shrub, and the rear tire of a vehicle.

This Month’s Question

What is the most ridiculous thing your garden hose has ever done?

Has it soaked your shoes, knocked over a flowerpot, wrapped itself around a lawn chair, or sprayed you directly in the face while you were trying to repair it?

Send us your story. The best garden mishaps may appear in a future edition of The Monthly Mulch Pile.

The Monthly Mulch Pile will be published on the first Saturday of each month at 8AM.

Until next month, keep your shrubs watered, your mulch rings tidy, and your spray nozzle pointed in a direction that does not include your own face.

Bobby & Lynn’s Plant Farm
Real Plants. Real People. Real Passion.